that's a lot

well kiddies, here we are a year later. damn. my first post, this day, last year. the day after my 46th birthday. this is part of it, i have been writing in various notebooks for the last 18 months or so. it began about the time i decided to end my 22 year marriage. i kept a diary of sorts when i was younger, but stopped when i got involved with the man i married, i realize now it was mostly out of fear he would find them. i know that he never really knew me, he never wanted to really, and that i didn’t want him to. maybe i didn’t want to know myself anymore. i remember feeling that so many things were out of my hands, out of my control, it seemed easier to hand it all over to someone else. i am in the process of claiming my life. i won’t say reclaiming it because i’m not sure i ever really claimed it in the first place. i was hardly present. i was more like a spectator, at times maybe a witness, and later i was like that person that just closes the window when the screams get too loud. ~~~~~~ two days later a good friend of mine died. of cancer. we knew he was dying and i spent as much time with him as i could the last few months of his life. we had grown up together. we lost contact over the course of our family lives, but we never lost touch. i wrote his eulogy here. i've written more than i ever thought was possible for me. i write about my life mostly and how the people around me affect my life. i don't write much about current events because i don't pay attention to them. i write about sex. yeah, i do. i like it. i pay attention to it. i got an annonymous comment the other day, to a rambling post.... "Laine, you are a modern philospher, poet and priestess. You put into words all the things the heart feels but cannot say. More souls than you know visit your doorstep, and mine is among them. Thank you." man, that kind of thing could go to a person's head. really. you are welcome, and welcome here. and thank you. i am a forty seven year old woman. i have a past and a future. i don't have many expectations. maybe that could be construed as a bad thing, but it's not for me. i trust. i believe in spirit. i don't hold on real tight. there are a lot of things i still want to do and i know i probably will never get around to most of them. and that's okay. i do have a few regrets, but not many. i try not to live my life like every day is the last day, but more like the it's the first day, not worrying about the things i'm going to miss, but looking forward to the things i haven't seen yet. i am the mother of dragons, the wife of a wolf, a friend to lions and lambs, the caretaker of a commune. it took me a long time to realise that that's a lot.