i came, i saw, i...

so i feel like you're sensing something... some change or something.. feel something big coming on? maybe you're right. i've lost my place. lost my space.

you're still around huh? a few die hards left? http://flyingcrow.us/crumbs

flying south

if you were here yesterday and things looked a little whacky, well it's because i'm getting ready to move. i now have my own domain... (sounds impressive, yeah?) and was importing my archives into wordpress. the importing process seems to have done something to my template or settings and i've lost my line breaks, which makes everything appear to be one long paragragh... i don't know if i'll get that fixed or not, but this site will remain as it is most likely. one of the reasons i'm moving is because i want to include joe in my blog life. i am going to tell him about my new place, let him be involved if he wants and get out of the blog-closet. comments there will be moderated for the time being and i will be tweaking it for a bit. if you would like to follow me to my new home send me an email flyingcrow at gmail dot com

i am completely alone in the house. i can't even remember the last time that happened. i feel like i want to do something wicked... are you up to it?

a funny thing happened

on the way to hnt this morning.... my camera has been awol for a couple weeks but it finally turned up yesterday. i found it buried on my son's desk, the batteries dead. i put some batteries in the charger last night so i could use it this morning, been outta the hnt thing for a couple weeks now. anyway, i put the fresh batteries in this morning, snapped a couple pictures and hooked the camera up to the computer. i usually preview the pictures on the camera and then move only the hnt files onto my hard drive. then i preview the files in the camera again to make sure there is nothing inappropriate left on the memory card. i'm careful. my son ain't so careful. imagine my surprise when i found pictures of my son and his girl. HOLY SHIT was the first thing that popped into my head. you can imagine the kind of pictures that would make me say that. can't you. let me be honest and tell you i didn't look at all of them. but you know the little window's preview thing in explorer... the thumbnail thing... here i am (without my glasses) staring at the screen trying to figure out what i'm looking at (kinda like some people's hnt's) and then it hits me. HOLY SHIT (kinda like some people's hnt's). i hit the kill switch on the camera. but then i still needed to move my files... i turned off the thumbnails, sorted them by date and took mine off the camera, put the dead batteries back in the camera and buried it back on my son's desk. jesus mom! now i'm laughing! so, now my dilemma. will i mention it to him? we'll see. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a little more than a year ago i wrote about braving the mall to shop for some special clothes, a small black skirt, in anticipation of a night of nastiness with a young man i was fucking at the time... i bought these shoes---> i have never worn them outside of the bedroom. the soles are like new, but they'll leave a mark in your chest... just sayin'

if he only knew...

it's a little after seven o'clock in the morning and i'm sitting here listening to etta james. damn... anything to say you're mine. i told someone recently that i've never had my heart broke. it's the truth. i've had disappointments, i've had longing, i've been alone, i've been together, i had someone break my spirit, but not bad enough that i couldn't fix it. my dearest darling, i'm offering you my heart. i guess you have to give someone your heart before they can break it. and i've never really done that. 'til now. i think. i mean i know i haven't done it before, but sometimes i wonder if i'm doing it now. i've offerend up everything else i have, but am i truly giving him my heart? i want to, god i do, i can trust this man with my life... my first boyfriend, i was in the ninth grade. he beat me up on a regular basis. he was a piece of shit, but i didn't know how to get away from him. he finally found someone else to beat on. my second boyfriend was good to me. not long after i met him i found out he was moving out of state. i stayed with him until he left but when he did i don't think i even cried. there was another, i fucked him every chance i got, i thought i loved him, but he was a wanderer and when i found out he had knocked up my next door neighbor i wasn't surprised, i was even a bit relieved. another, he was a boy friend. we sat next to each other in art class for two years. we hung out, got high, talked about our aspirations. i loved him and i know he loved me but the first time he kissed me i pulled away from him. i didn't want to wreck what i had with him. there were a lot of things he didn't know about me, things i didn't want him to know. i loved the way he looked at me and i was afraid if he knew, if he only knew, he wouldn't look at me that way. he drifted away from me and i let him. there were others that served their purpose for me and i for them, i can see their faces, but their names mostly escape me now. then there was my ex, you've heard part of that story. i'm past him and have written enough about it. after i finally pried him loose i turned to men that i knew had other plans, plans that didn't include me except for fucking. men that knew i had other plans too. it was a perfect arrangement for me. then i met joe. and i was conflicted. i thought i resolved it, but there are times when i'm not sure. i have connected to this man like i have no other. like i doubt i ever could with anyone else. i set out from the beginning to be utterly, brutally honest with him. but there are still things he doesn't know, not things in the past, things in the present. at last my love has come along... i don't doubt him for a second. but there are things that i do that make me doubt myself.

i just wanted

to let you all know i'm okay, we're okay. other than all of us being sick, and the tension around here last week made us all a little snappy, we're peachy. the kid is still on the street somewhere. they have issued a third warrant for him. the cops never did show up here, but i figure they will just about the time we all relax. it's not that we have anything to hide, it's just the thought of them coming in my house. it's not something you want to wake up to. i feel like i have to wear clothes to bed...